Zen Husband

Zen and Buddhism (or Zen Buddhism) has been constantly misconstrued and mistaken for a religion ascribing to a certain religious philosophy. Truth be told, a friend who practices Zen gently explained to me that it is a way of life...simply a choice to live life in the most harmonious of ways possible. My brother, though staunchly Roman Catholic, has somewhat chosen to walk the path to marital harmony in Zen fashion. Being married for 18 years, he has earned the right to be called a master who is well versed in the art of harmonizing marriage with special yet modified attention on the shopping activities of his significant other. I've a lot to learn (or unlearn) from him. It goes without saying he has mastered the Jedi-like skill of subliminally saying "Yes, dear!" while actually saying "Naaah, I'll pass on that, dear". His comment on my previous post is too good to pass up as it is post-worthy by itself. Chris Butler, a.k.a. Jagad Guru would be proud. His take: "Husbands with ten years or more on-the-job training usually enlist the enthusiasm of his wife's niece, ex-classmate, sis-in-law or relatives to that effect, who has the same mindset or common agenda to burn the aisles at Divi mall or 168. The game plan should be to identify a drop off and pick up point, which would be utilized at a pre-determined time, or at their beck and calling... give or take a few minutes after the much awaited SMS is received... A neophyte hubby, of course is still alien to this technique or still bashful to say the risky lines "see you in a couple of hours honey... text na lang!"

Crouching Shopper, Yawning Husband

The shopping crowds in the Divisoria malls were maddening. As early a 8am the shopping arcade of 168 were already filled with Christmas shoppers making a dire attempt to avoid the so-called Christmas rush. People in the aisles were packed like sardines trying to negotiate from one pasilyo to another.  The women, wives in particular, were all aglow and zoned in on the tasks at hand as they cross out names from lists on hand. Like contortionists, they'd move gracefully from one crowded aisle shelf to the other with relative ease whilst sticking to the game plan of hunting for bargain buys.  They shove each other ever so subtly and simultaneously haggle with Tsinoys and provincial lasses in broken Tagalog. Target, dig, crouch, squat, sort, choose, negotiate, pay, pack, then onto the next stall with deceiving precision...amazing.  Behind every woman shopper is a bag carrier with bell boy/concierge demeanor. Said bag carrier is usually garbed in short pants and plain shirt as if he was dragged from his bed, roused from his Sunday slumber to step up to the noble task of shop items hauling.  It is interesting to note that these males (usually a husband or a boyfriend) wear the blank why-am-I-here-look on his face as he hooks shopping bags one for each of his10 fingers, two on each shoulder, and one for the neck.  More interesting is the stark observation that these men seen en masse would intermittently yawn every 5 minutes or so. This would go on for about 4 solid hours. Interesting. 

Christmas Rush

I'll say it straight away. Christmas shopping is an overrated activity. I think it's a marketing ploy hatched by the evil geniuses of the tycoons who own the various gynormous malls. Who on earth would enjoy...?:

1. Walking like a cheap battery-operated robot taking hilariously small steps because of all the people you have to elbow and shove for proper positioning in the tight bargain aisles.
2. Smelling a cacophony of odors (i.e. body odor, and plastic and leather from China).
3. Carry 5 shopping bags (one for each finger) on both hands, 2 shopping sling bags on both shoulders, and 1 medium-weight shopping bag on your mouth (like a dog playing fetch).
4. Asking "How much?" or "Tawad naman" a gazillion times.
5. Waiting for your wife to pick THE ONE right color of fabric from among billions.
6. Inquiring in broken Tagalog from Chinese nationals who are probably illegal aliens.
7. Competing for parking space.
8. Waking up at 5am to get there by 7am.

I expressed my lack of interest when my wife asked me to go with her to Divisoria. I complained and told her about everything from the abovementioned. She then said: "I'll feed you at Waiying. Siomai, siopao, and Hakaw (Shrimp dimsum)...all you can eat!" Like a golden retriever hypnotized by a wet tennis ball, she made me say yes! Shyet!

But hey, I think it's worth it. Food at Waiying is worth a salivatory blog. I'll take pictures.

Shopping with Husbands in tow.

I got this from a sent email. The sender friend of mine is either bored at work or just trying to lighten up the mid-week blahs.

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion

in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both

of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and

are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's

carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,

'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of

M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted

area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other

shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from

the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying

and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked

the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming

the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna

look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES

AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,

then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

What Women Want

This illustration is perfect! I got this from my high school yahoo group. I guess this has been passed around emails for years.

I have reason to believe that this is a universal truth. The question is: If you shopped with your wife (or girlfriend), what would you do for 3 hours and 20 minutes?

Almost all women can do these ranges of motion inside malls. They can walk in and around crowded malls (i.e. Divisoria, 168 Mall, Tutuban Mall, etc.) with relative ease and lose track of time. They'll memorize stall numbers, location of boutiques, specialty shops, shoe stores, yet forget where the car was parked.

In grocery stores, items for men (shavers, after shave lotion, breath mints, batteries for the remote, dental floss, hopia, choc-nut, chips, FHM etc.) are all near the counter. Stuff for ladies can be placed even in the lowest and farthest of shelves and still be located effortlessly with memorized aisle number. Shopping for ladies shoes and clothes is another story. It deserves a new blog... or volumes of blogs.

My wife will read this after I press 'Publish Post'. I know she will just let out her usual high-pitched belly laugh while her shoulders bounce and her eyes twinkle as if agreeing to this amusing truth. I anticipate she will pinch me in the rib and exclaim: "Uy sobra ka, hindi naman!"

Her amused laughter will give away her guilt. She will read this beside me, as she always does when she reads my newly posted blogs. My loving spouse wants me beside her every time she reads them. She wants me close by so she has instant access if she needs to pinch me in the earlobe, slap my arm, or pull my hair (sa patilya) if I make fun of her in the post.

After that she'll forward my blog to all of her friends.